Written by Serenity Brooks
5 Things People-Pleasers Need to Hear
Michelle was the kind of child every adult praised—obedient, polite, and “so well-behaved.” What they didn’t see was the constant pressure she felt at home. With a narcissistic parent, Michelle learned early that her safest role was to please. She anticipated moods, smoothed over conflicts, and sacrificed her own needs just to keep the peace.
On the surface, it looked kind—who wouldn’t want to be agreeable and helpful? But beneath that habit lay something much deeper: childhood conditioning, unspoken fears, and patterns that quietly drained her energy and sense of self.
Michelle’s story isn’t unique. In fact, it mirrors the experience of countless people-pleasers who grow up carrying the weight of everyone else’s happiness while neglecting their own.
That’s why today I want to share five things every people-pleaser needs to hear—truths that can help you understand where these behaviors come from, why they keep showing up in adulthood, and most importantly, how to begin shifting toward a healthier, more authentic life.
1. People-Pleasing Often Starts in Childhood
Many people-pleasers didn’t choose the role—it was assigned to them. If you grew up with a narcissistic or emotionally unavailable parent, you likely learned early on that keeping the peace meant prioritizing their needs above your own. Approval and safety became tied to how well you could anticipate their moods, smooth over conflict, or sacrifice your own wants.
The problem is, survival strategies don’t simply vanish once you’re grown. The same behaviors that once kept you safe—self-silencing, over-giving, or avoiding conflict—can leave you stuck in patterns of self-neglect as an adult. You may find yourself in relationships where your needs take a back seat, at work where you say “yes” to everything, or feeling guilty for simply wanting time for yourself.
If this resonates, you’re not alone. And you don’t have to stay stuck in that role. The book Raised by a Narcissist: How to Recognize Emotional Abuse from Parents and Heal from Childhood Trauma explores exactly how these childhood dynamics shape your adult life—and more importantly, how to start rewriting the script so you can live authentically.
2. People-Pleasers Often Attract Narcissists
Here’s the ironic twist: the very behaviors that helped you survive as a child can make you a magnet for unhealthy relationships later. Narcissists are drawn to people they can control. People-pleasers—accustomed to giving, forgiving, and bending—fit the role perfectly.
Why does this happen? Narcissists seek partners who will prioritize their needs, validate their egos, and avoid conflict at all costs. People-pleasers, trained from childhood to smooth over tension and earn love through self-sacrifice, often meet those criteria without even realizing it. What feels “normal” to a people-pleaser—over-functioning in relationships, saying yes too often, ignoring red flags—looks like an open door to someone with narcissistic traits.
The cycle usually begins with love bombing—lavish attention, praise, and promises of unconditional love. For someone who has long craved approval, this intensity can feel intoxicating, even healing. But once the narcissist feels secure in the bond, the dynamic shifts. Subtle criticism, withdrawal, or manipulation begin to replace the affection. Over time, the relationship becomes a cycle of devaluation and control, leaving the people-pleaser drained, doubting themselves, and working even harder to “fix” what isn’t theirs to fix.
It’s important to understand that none of this is your fault. People-pleasers don’t attract narcissists because they’re weak—they attract them because they’ve been conditioned to prioritize harmony over self-protection. And the good news is that conditioning can be unlearned.
The moment you begin to recognize these patterns, you can start shifting the story from survival to self-respect.
3. Saying “No” Doesn’t Make You a Bad Person
One of the hardest things for people-pleasers is setting boundaries. Saying “no” can trigger feelings of guilt, shame, or fear of rejection, because deep down it feels like you’re disappointing someone. But the truth is, saying no is an essential act of self-respect.
Studies show that people with poor boundary-setting skills are significantly more prone to burnout, stress, and relationship dissatisfaction (Lamont et al., 2019, Journal of Occupational Health Psychology). Without boundaries, you risk pouring from an empty cup—constantly giving while neglecting your own needs.
When you say no, you’re not being cruel or selfish—you’re protecting your time, energy, and mental health. And the people who genuinely value you will not only accept your boundaries, they’ll respect them.
If guilt or discomfort makes it difficult to set limits, The Boundaries Book That Will Transform Your Life: A Guide on Dealing with Emotional Abuse provides practical strategies to help you say no without apology and start creating relationships built on mutual respect.
4. People-Pleasers Often Hide Behind “White Lies”
Because conflict feels unbearable, people-pleasers often say things they don’t mean just to keep the peace. “Sure, I don’t mind!” when you actually do. “I’m fine,” when you’re not. These small lies feel like kindness, but in reality, they chip away at your authenticity.
Over time, you may lose touch with what you really think, feel, or want. That’s why reclaiming your voice is so important—you don’t owe anyone a version of yourself that isn’t real.
For more on how family dynamics train us to silence ourselves, you might find the book Raised by a Narcissist eye-opening.
5. People-Pleasing Can Harm Your Health
Chronic stress, anxiety, digestive issues, even depression—these are common in lifelong people-pleasers. Why? Because when you constantly suppress your own needs and carry everyone else’s, your nervous system never gets to rest. Emotional exhaustion and self-neglect eventually show up in your body.
This isn’t just “in your head.” Research confirms that chronic people-pleasing behaviors are linked to higher stress and poor mental health outcomes (Locke, 2021, Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology).
The solution isn’t to stop caring—it’s to start caring about yourself, too. Learning how to set boundaries, prioritize rest, and protect your peace is a form of self-preservation. If you need a structured guide, The Boundaries Book is a great starting point.
Final Thoughts: Practicing Assertiveness and Self-Care
Breaking free from people-pleasing doesn’t happen overnight. Your brain has been wired to seek approval and avoid conflict—but it can adapt. Start small: say no once a week, practice voicing a preference, or schedule time just for yourself. Prioritize sleep, self-care, and routines that refill your tank.
And if you want extra support, we created a free download to help you get started: The People-Pleaser Recovery Guide: Heal, Set Boundaries, and Thrive. It’s a practical resource to help you take your first steps toward balance and authenticity.
You don’t need to earn love by over-giving. You are already enough.
References:
Felitti, V. J., Anda, R. F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D. F., Spitz, A. M., Edwards, V., & Marks, J. S. (1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults: The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4), 245–258.
Lamont, R. A., Swift, H. J., & Abrams, D. (2019). A review and meta-analysis of age-based stereotype threat: Negative stereotypes, not facts, do the damage. Journal of Occupational Health Psychology, 24(1), 18–34.
Locke, K. D. (2021). Self-presentation and social anxiety: The role of people-pleasing and authenticity. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 40(5), 399–421.